BY
Pat Banta Kreml

At 1:30 p.m. on a snowy Christmas Eve, I walked down the aisle of a little church in Lake Ozark, Missouri. Chris took my hand, and we pledged our love and commitment for life. The minister pronounced us husband and wife, and we entered into a new life together.

In the beginning no one asked about children. Eventually well meaning friends asked, “When do you plan to start your family?” The question annoyed—even angered—me. I didn’t know how to reply. To me, the matter was private. I didn’t want to discuss it.

We moved several times during the first few years of our marriage. Everywhere we lived, new acquaintances asked, “So, when do you plan to start your family?” or “How many children do you want?” Clearly, to most people family implied children. They could accept a single parent and a child as a family, but not a husband and wife. At the time, I believed that too, so how could I answer their questions?

I wished people would just leave the subject alone, but they didn’t. The questions kept coming and soon I sank into a pool of resentment. “What makes them think it’s any of their business?” I asked Chris. The more I felt pressured, the more I resisted the thought of having children. Eventually, I took such a strong stand that even close friends believed that I never wanted children. But that wasn’t exactly true. In truth, I couldn’t quite bring myself to accept that the beliefs I’d held for years were wrong.

You see, before I became a Christian, a feminist worldview on childbearing found fertile soil in my mind and emotions. I freely embraced the idea that children are a hindrance to a woman’s life. I believed children would interfere with my career plans, my personal space. I thought women needed more than motherhood to live fulfilled lives. Eventually a hardness encrusted my heart and smothered any natural desire for children.

Even after I surrendered my life to Jesus, my viewpoint on childbearing did not immediately change. However, through prayer and study of God’s Word, I began to grow in the knowledge of God’s will and God’s ways. Deep down I knew the feminist worldview I held was wrong, but I still struggled with the sin of intellectual pride.

I remember actually telling a Christian friend, “Being pregnant is the most demeaning thing that can happen to a woman.” I wanted to shock her. It was my way of lashing out at her implication that my worth as a person, as a Christian, was tied to my willingness and ability to procreate.

Needless to say I needed help, but pride kept me from seeking it. Yet I wanted to be right with God. I wanted to think the way God thinks. Thankfully, while my Christian friends could only see rebellion, God saw my true desires and my need. Over time God shattered the hardness of my heart and led me to repentance. Finally, I could see childbearing through His eyes. I felt wonderfully liberated.

Now, when a friend announced her pregnancy, I could enter into her joy. I began to notice how some pregnant women glowed with happiness, how childbearing brought them fulfillment. I recognized that the choice to be stay-at-home mothers and homemakers was just as valid as any other career choice.

I met women who held jobs and built careers but still felt incomplete without children. And I met others who had no desire for children, but found fulfillment in serving God with their gifts and talents.

I concluded that the attitude of the heart made all the difference when making the decision about having children. That realization gave me the peace to accept balance in my own life. I knew Chris and I would make good parents, so we placed the issue in God’s hands, asking that His will be done. But I assumed that one day I would surprise Chris with the six little words, “We’re going to have a baby!”

Then one autumn, after we’d been married five years, my body began to subtly change. For only the second time in my life, my period was late – two weeks late. I felt lightheaded, queasy. This could be it, I thought. I looked down at my belly, placed my hand on it, and smiled.

Over the next few days, I made mental notes. We’d need a crib, bottles, sleepers, and lots of diapers. Every time I walked into a store, I automatically went straight to the baby section. I wondered, Would it be a boy or a girl? Would it look like Chris or like me?

I knew I needed to confirm my pregnancy before I got too carried away. So with a warm feeling of joy, I walked into a drugstore and purchased a pregnancy test. All the way home I considered what a positive result would mean. Having a baby would definitely change our lives, but finally we’d be a family.

The next day, I followed the instructions on the box; then I waited. I even waited a few extra minutes – just to be sure – before checking it. The test was negative.

Deep disappointment washed over me. I had been so sure I was pregnant. Maybe the test was wrong. But a few days later, my period confirmed the test results. Over the next few years, we experienced a few more “maybes,” but the results were always the same. Negative. Chris would never hear those six little words.

Mother’s Day and Father’s Day at church were always awkward for us. One year a young man handed me a long-stemmed rose along with all of the mothers. “But I’m not a mother,” I said. I could feel my face flush.

“That’s OK. You soon will be,” he said. But he was wrong.

I have no idea when Chris and I finally accepted that the Lord’s will for us did not include having children. We simply eased into the realization. And in the same way, we eased into the realization that we did not need children to be a family. Chris and I had been a family all along.

I now understand that a family exists before the first baby is ever born. A man and woman choose – through love and marriage – to establish a new unit, and they make a home and build a life together. That new unit is a family. A child does not create a family; a child is born into a family, broadening and enriching it.

I know the family of Chris and Pat Kreml has missed some of the richness children would have brought. But I also know that for over 33 years we have been a family in every sense of the word. Now when I am asked, “Do you ever regret not having a family?” I can just smile and explain about our family of two.


Chris and Pat Kreml celebrated their 33rd anniversary on December 24, 2008. They are both active members of W.H.W.C’s choir and praise team. Pat works at the local community college bookstore and is a freelance writer. She is currently working on her first novel.